The Fed’s Guide to Discreetly Crying About Exams in front of your Roommate

It’s finals week. You’ve opened your biology textbook for the first time this semester to read (skim) 20+ chapters in two nights, you think of all the verb conjugations you have yet to review (learn,) you’ve finally been able to remember when you last took a shower that didn’t just consist of bodily ablutions with your stress-induced sweat (it was way before finals week began.) But now you’re trapped between three-and-a-half very close walls, having been shunned from every library and study-space on campus by the possessive stares of their occupants. Your mind is panic-stricken at the feeling of your face heating up, your eyes welling up, and your throat constricting in a non-anaphylactic way–and you know what’s coming just as immediately as I know when my uterine lining has given in to the menacing hormones that have hit it at an unacceptably inconvenient moment. On top of it all there’s your roommate, who’s either already there, or may walk in at any second.

So you’re about to cry because of finals in front of your roommate, and you really, really don’t want to expose your inability to handle the stress. What to do? Here are some helpful tips:

1) First of all, jump under your covers and go to sleep as soon as you can. No better way to avoid crises (i.e. any problem at all, amirite??) than to just ease yourself into unconsciousness and cry in your dreams. Your roommate will notice nothing–except, perhaps, your tear-drenched pillowcase.

2) Maybe you’re the kind of person who’d rather not risk sleeping and only waking up ten minutes before your first exam. Well then good for you, Glen Coco. When you can’t sleep but can’t prevent the noises of your imminent breakdown, go under the covers nevertheless and toss and turn ceaselessly to cover up your sounds. Just like you do when you jack/jill off.

3) Roommate just walked in on you crying? “My pre-exam masturbation session was so enlightening that it provoked this uncontrollable teary response.” The bonus of this tactic is that it’s not always a lie.

4) If you’ve gotten to the point of being slightly sniffly and red-eyed, immediately inform your roommate that you’ve caught an intense case of the flu, and that it’s imperative they leave the room ASAP for an indeterminate amount of time. You now have the room to yourself and can wallow in your sad state.

5) If you have a lofted bed, quietly crawl underneath it. Your stifled sobs will sound like the creations of straggling insects and other creatures, the noises of which really should not surprise your roommate.

6) If it’s windy outside, as it often is nowadays, try going green by sticking your head out the window to quickly dry your tears. Tell your roommate you just need some fresh air after being cooped up inside all day.

7) Start playing a 500-minute version of the Nyan Cat tune loudly on your speakers. Soon you won’t be the only one crying.

8) Or you could simply not cry and deal with your exams like the adult that you supposedly are.*

*Jk, jk. You just follow the previous pieces of advice now.

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