The Fedscopes

New edition of oddly specific, passive-aggressive astrology, the science of creating pseudo-science.

Air ease:

You may begin this month wondering about your general future, or about why the Earl gates are closed at 7pm on a Wednesday. But in a few weeks when Jupiter hovers overhead, your destiny might be delivered to you, the discovery of which will make your life’s journey a breeze. That being said, towards the end of the month work will eat you up.


If you cruised through last week on the crest of a wave, you’ve probably been surfing too much, and this week you may find yourself struggling to stay afloat amidst a looming workload. Stay alert for emails informing you of last-minute assignments, for if the alignment of the planets communicates anything, it’s that there will be many of these. If last month attending to constant social obligations exhausted you, this month your life will improve. A love interest could develop.

Uh…query us:

You may encounter distractions in the form of something unrelated to your assignments. At times you may have the strength to conquer temptation, but you could be sucked into the awaiting vortex of enjoyment. You will realize that your life may be quite similar to those of internet memes, and this will bring you much amusement.


You will experience highs and lows this month, which you can avoid at your discretion by forgoing any place above or below sea level. Technology might fail you, so instead of your phone you could be forced to lug a mass of paper to the bathroom if you want to add entertainment to your release and relieve routine.


It may seem like a certain category of people is avoiding you, but there’s no need to take this personally; there’s a good chance that these people are misguided. Try putting them at ease by initiating more conversations with them; remember–under their reticent demeanors hide some very outgoing tendencies that only surface after consistent prodding.

Gem n’ I:

If you notice a sudden and strange surge in the number of likes your FB pictures are receiving, don’t be alarmed- your ‘likers’ are not stalkers, just Taus-r-uses. Also, don’t feel obliged to indulge their infatuation. In other matters, you might find yourself in debt from having your friends buy you lunch because of your lack of dining dollars/points- you will have to pay them back through seedy means.

Spisces :

You may soon want to cool off any anxiety or stress you may feel, and walking into the Broadway level of Lerner should do this automatically. Also, heed the advice of the current configuration of stars: try to create new friendships with people you’ve never met, through sites like Smileback.

Leigh’s bra:

Get ready for a wave of joy! Prosperity and general contentment may come to you in the form of a canceled test, free food at a cultural event, or a completely free weekend! But actually, the cards are quite unclear for you, so your situation may in fact turn out to be the exact opposite; either way, it would be wise to prepare for the good and the bad.

The can, sir:

If the cosmological signs are to be believed, you may (probably) fall sick this month from eating a pre-packaged Morton Williams dinner, most likely when you have a crucial assignment or group project to do. However, you can count on your classmates to cover for you, as they can relate to the panic that sets in during these moments. You’ll have to pay them back through seedy means- perhaps you and some other debt-owing souls should do it together.

Score P or F:

Don’t worry if you are not able to process the huge influx of information that’s headed your way- you’ll find that in about 5 years, you…….still won’t have. If you find yourself with nothing to do at any point this month, you may want to comb through your calendar again. On the brighter side, Mercury is working in your favor, so you’ll see a general and welcome reduction in the temperature scales.

Leigh! Oh (no!):

Be ready for a big frustration this month- you may hear a new song you like, but may not be able to find out its name, and this could lead you to go on a crazed search for it. Or, if you’re one of the lucky few who share a taste in music with JJ’s Place, you could come across the song on the radio there, in which case you’ll probably be told its details. This is not the only form your frustration can take on- beware of everything.

Saggy pterion:

Pay attention to your dreams, as many astrologers will tell you, for they may contain invaluable advice and answers to your problems. That is, if you succeed in remembering them for more than two minutes after you wake up. If you’re going through a no-dream phase, unfortunately you’ll have to look for answers elsewhere, like in a conscious, reasonable mind- maybe your own, but really, you should go for the best option available, even if that’s a brain in a vat.

-Shaakya the enigmatic


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