Once (or twice or thrice) in a while the Barnard shuttle van goes out of service. Or rather, ‘out of service.’ Spurred on by the recent frequency with which the shuttle van has been disappearing and unsatisfied with the hackneyed “mechanical malfunction” excuse trotted out by Public Safety, The Fed investigated what the van may in fact be doing behind the façade of out-of-serviceness, and found these likely possibilities:
-Being an extra CAVA ambulance (though we may never know from the hazy/nonexistent accounts of those who’ve had to use it.)
-Transforming into an orgy-bus before dropping its occupants off at Panini d’Parma for Spec business socials.
-Shuttling DSpar to emergency hair appointments before monthly (i.e. weekly) international trips.
-Being on call for Kim Possible’s missions.
-Being on call for Kim Possible’s booty calls.
-Being on call for DSpar’s booty calls.
-Being New York’s hottest club, Around the World with the NRA.
-Taking the Totally Spies team to their boss’s
pedophilic lair office.
-Doubling as Scooby-Do and Co.’s meth lab.
-Transporting mattresses from PrezBo’s front door to the nearest landfill.
-How do you think SigDelt delivers all those goddamn cookies?
-Competing in Dubai’s drag races.
-Working part-time for Uber.
-Working full-time for Uber.
-Becoming unhappy with Uber’s employee treatment and moving to Lyft.
-Masquerading as a stealth vehicle for Bwog’s detectives.
-Carrying out shuttle bus service duty whenever the 1 train decides to fuck with us and make us walk from 96th to 121st at 4am. But seriously, the van wasn’t there then either, so fuck all y’all. Yeah.*
*Jk Barnard shuttle van, we
love need you.