SkyMall Closes Heavenly Doors, Opens Store Near Gates of Hell

About a month ago millions of jet-setters suffered emotional turbulence when they lost their one in-flight respite: SkyMall. The specialty magazine, a harbinger of gadget-related fever-dreams, filed for bankruptcy after servicing the mile-high club for 25 years. But before completely disappearing like the bird’s-eye view of a city behind storm clouds, SkyMall needs to purge its inventory. Behold: Why?Mall, the temporary SkyMall subsidiary scheduled to open in what was formerly Ricky’s (who is the enigma that is Ricky?) Why?Mall will carry the remainder of SkyMall’s stockpile–things that didn’t sell even on the usually hospitable United Airlines, such as: the Remote Control Tarantula (“a time-saver for finding your g-spot!”), the Carry-On Luggage Scooter (“No need to compromise speed or proper hygiene for that booty-call.”), the Winky-Eye Cross Body Bag (“Your leering needs, satisfied!”), the Dog Shape Toaster (“For when you want a hot dog.”)*, and the Hands-Free iPad Holder (“Also known as: Why Didn’t You Just Get a Laptop?”)

 

You may be asking yourself “But why, of all places, have they chosen to park themselves at Columbia?” According to a Sky/Why?Mall spokesperson, MoHi was the perfect location for this store because “its residents have been desensitized to paying premium prices for substandard/unnecessary/poisonous (i.e. Morton Williams) goods, and will likely not notice the replacement of one sexually-suggestive store by another. And as long as we line the shelves with products mildly reminiscent of dildos, we should be able to distract future customers from any anger sparked by the closure of Ricky’s and by the total insanity of the inventions SkyMall tries to push down people’s throats.”

Why?Mall: soon saying HiMall to us, and ByeMall to Ricky’s.

 

*The Fed apologizes for this poor excuse for a pun. We promise to never again put the term ‘hot dog’ in a hot-dog pun.

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