WARNING: NSFW (But V Funny, I Hope!)

Thought Constipation: Edition 1

Anilingus is having a ‘moment,’ or so a recent Gawker article says. Is it? Is it really? I wasn’t aware that it had ever stopped undergoing a ‘moment.’ Butt maybe I’ve just been ahead of the curve. When I clean my room I sweep the entire area, and I think of my cleaning practices as analogies to my sexual practices. So sweep the entire area, I always say, sweep it! “Wait, what? You want me to clean your room?” he asks looking up from between my legs. “Not just my room, my dungeon too.”

The article’s accompanying graphic is at once magnificently self-explanatory and susceptible to misinterpretation. Is it a popsicle, a tongue, or a comically straight penis jutting out from the top? What’s that white sheen on this hybrida poptonguis? And is it heading towards a pair of colored-in McDonald’s arches, cleavage, or two pleasingly symmetrical asscheeks? I’ve narrowed it down to the four combinations resulting from tongue/penis and cleavage/asscheeks. Let’s just say I’ve only seen sexualized popsicles in porn, and the last time I lured out a penis in front of a McDonald’s, all I ended up getting for it was a (fittingly) limp Egg McMuffin.

Tonguis classcheeks is followed by an equally graphic inventory of a few ‘colloquialisms’ that supposedly some people, including a certain Nicki Minaj, genuinely use to describe ‘oral-anal’ action. First of all, I’m convinced the author only classifies the term ‘tossing salad’ as a colloquialism to craft shoddy jokes like ‘their love of tossing salad is refreshing.’ But more than it clarifies what anilingus entails, ‘tossing salad’ only raises questions: Can one effectively toss salad and eat meat simultaneously? Do vegetarians offer more salad to be tossed than their meat-eating buddies? What does Nicki Minaj mean by “tosses salad like his name Romaine”? Because as far as I know, the romaine is not what actually carries out the tossing of the salad it’s in, and whoever this man is, is probably just “tossing salad like his name Jason” or something. And don’t even get me started on ‘rimming’ — I won’t be able to stop. I’m now permanently put off of casually running my tongue around the edge of any glass.

It seems that despite the vast amount of (party-)poopers brandishing hateful and fear-mongering opinions on the subject, the anilinguists incharge of research for this article have found at least one person who espouses my attitude towards bum-licking. Rapper Kevin Gates earnestly believes it his sexual duty to “eat all yo’ booty,” and eat it first, as “the clit is way more sensitive than the booty” (something I discovered after leaning a bit too much to the front of my seat during my first spinning class.) Anilingus as a teaser-trailer to cunnilingus (which I’m sure has been the title of someone’s doctoral thesis.) And what’s more, this is simply “how I’m living,” says Gates. Tossing salad: not just a fad, but a fucking lifestyle. I’ve got to go now, it’s time to clean my room. And then get my room cleaned.

Image courtesy of (aptly-named) gawker.com. Go ahead, click on it.
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